in due course the illustrious soothsayer and astrologer friar ham arrived at the port of the duchy of f———, and was welcomed by alphonso.
alphonso’s residence could not boast the ancient history of the castles of the noble families of f———. nor did it contain the famous works of art that adorned their walls and chambers, but what it lacked in these regards, it more than made up for, in the worthy friar’s estimation, by its abundant supply of food and drink.
if truth be told, the friar had made a few enemies at the court of st peter - as who could not, who resided there any length of time? he was happy to accept alphonso’s hospitality, and was resolved to enjoy it to the fullest, and for as long as possible.
the least he could do to repay alphonso’s hospitality was to enliven the evening with a story, after the magnificent feast he had been treated to, on the evening of his arrival.
this is the tale that he told:
once upon a time there were two friars, separately wandering the roads in a time of turmoil. and when, we might ask, is it not a time of turmoil?
the two friars were named friar jack and friar john, and they took markedly different approaches to their vocations.
friar jack was a merry fellow, fond of a jest and a hoist of ale, and ready to forgive any sinner for any sin, especially sinners who were prepared to show their appreciation for his priestly ministrations.
friar jack belonged to that class of philosopher who felt that what the world needed was more love, and he specialized in consoling widows - of which there were many in the unhappy war torn land - and young wives burdened with elderly and infirm husbands.
friar john was a very different sort, given to fasting and the mortification of the flesh, who walked the land as a gaunt specter, and who felt that this world was cursed, especially by demons and witches, the evidence of whose depredations he saw everywhere.
the paths of the two friars occasionally crossed, but they had little to say to each other, and kept their distance from each other.
one day, as the afternoon was drawing to a close over the ravaged countryside, and the sun was beginning its downward journey, friar jack , who had not enjoyed what he regarded as a sufficient meal for several days, was passing an abandoned field when he heard a cry which he at first thought was that of a cat, then of a pair of cats fighting, but then thought might be a child.
he looked across the field and beheld a rude hut, so low and hidden by brambles that he might have missed it and passed it by, had it not been for the cry.
perhaps it is a young widow burdened by a child or children, he thought. it is worth looking into, especially with dusk approaching.
friar jack crossed the field and approached the hut, which he found unencumbered by a door.
he cautiously put his head into the open entrance and looked into the dark windowless interior.
and beheld a woman and a child, the woman sitting on a bed of straw, and the child reclining on a slightly more heaped up pile of straw.
the woman was no young widow, or young anything, but a crone as bent as a tree blasted by lightning, and old enough to be the nurse of nebuchadnezzar.
and the child! friar jack had seen some hideous children in his time, both in and out of the care of holy mother church, but nothing half so horrid as this!
and as if sensing the worthy friar’s revulsion, the infant - for though it had the size of a child of two or three years, it seemed in its proportions and the disposition of its limbs to be a newborn - let out a cry that rent the very heavens through the roof of the hut.
“good evening, mother,” jack addressed the beldame with as much grace as he could muster, “i hope i am not intruding. i venture to hope, rather, that i, and holy church as it may be represented by my humble self , might be of some assistance to you.” jack looked down at the squalling red faced babe. “is the child suffering from distemper?”
“i am suffering from distemper,” the worthy woman replied. “the distemper of being hounded by you miserable jackals of priests and friars. i have only just sent one packing with a whack on his bony ear, must i do the same for you, eh?’
“i come in peace, mother,” jack persisted. “and mean no harm to man nor beast, mother nor child. “
“then get you gone and make your peace with the dust on the highway.”
“if you insist.” jack began to back away, not too disappointed to be rid of the unhappy scene, and feeling he had not been remiss in attempting to do his priestly duty, when the crone cried -
“ah, here is your confederate returned!”
“my confederate?”
a shadow fell across friar jack. he turned and beheld the grim figure of friar john bearing down on him.
friar john was accompanied by a grinning yokel of a soldier with a pike slung on his back.
“yes, i have returned, you cursed witch,” friar john cried. “i have indeed returned - with fire and sword!”
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